Dear New Coworker

Dear new coworker I've known for 2.5 weeks:

I don't need to know you were married
I don't need to know you are now divorced
I don't need to know you previously owned a house
I don't need to know you were in a eating disorder facility for 3 weeks
I don't need to know your parents paid for college
I don't need to know you are 60K in debt
I don't need to know you used to be a dancer (ballerina...not stipper, I bet I'll find out soon)
I don't need to know you wore your most padded bra today
I don't need to know you like to eat small game
I don't need to know you had a boy spend the night.

There is such thing as over sharing...we are not bffs


Here are a few other words of wisdom:

You might want to add a few more inches to those baby doll dresses you wear everyday
When you bend over to stretch in front of me, I can see down your shirt...DUH
Cut down on the caffeine...or do you do coke? (as in cocaine, not diet) Cut down on that too.
Don't ask/announce to those around you "who wants to go in on a cow with me?". Um, no, I don't buy the whole cattle
While it is sad you were in an eating facility, don't spring that on anyone 2 days in
Please shut up in meetings, you sound dumb and take away the time I need to talk to the client

Please.and.thank.you.

I secretly think you're crazy...