Searching for a Destination Unknown: Jamaican Me Crazy (Rated NC-17)

Presenting Danielle and Sean Goetz

Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered. Ok, so it's not Jamaican Mon' but it kind of classifies exactly how I felt about Jamaica. I know it took me a hot minute to post about this trip but there was just so much to talk about it was overwhelming. That and I've actually had some work to do at work...imagine that!

Anywho, the wedding was GORGEOUS and Jamaica was PERFECT. Really, this wedding tops my all time best wedding list...and I've been to a few too many. The mix of people were great, the location was picture perfect, and it just couldn't have been any better. Ok, well perhaps it could not have been so hot so that my dress stuck to me, but really, who am I to complain that it was too hot when it is currently 50 degrees outside and raining. We got really lucky too because its hurricane season and all kinds of good things could have come with that but it only rained once at night and then it sprinkled later in the week but we just took a break from the pool and took a nap. I could really get used to the lifestyle of eat, pool, bar, eat, pool, bar, nap, eat, bar, bar, bar and bar. It was particularly depressing to come back home to realize I'd have to start cooking my own food again.

Ok, so the part that took me the longest is this recap of Jamaica: (*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and really this list is not for those under 17)
1. Lucky #10. Yummy.
2. Jamaica is BEAUTIFUL. Amazing views. Too humid for me.
3. The first resort we stayed at was indescribably beautiful; the second one was so big it had to have its own zip code.
4. I took 1 picture because I was having such a great time. Thankfully my friends did and I'm just going to steal theirs.
5. I have gotten WAY used to Charmin and can't handle normal toilet paper.
6. I've never talked more about poop than on this vacation.
7. I took a Catamaran boat called "The Cat" to Negril Jamaica. At least there were no one armed strippers...hello Newport News. Lots of drunkenness pursued.
8. A weird old man was taking my picture booty grinding with a Jamaica man.
9. Some weird pictures of me are going to be floating around on the internet...oh great.
10. I went cliff diving off a 50 foot tall cliff into the ocean.
11. I probably wouldn't have done that if I wasn't drunk.
12. I am now COVERED in bruises because apparently when drunk I decide to jump butt first. And I also had to go to the Chiropractor when I got home...needless to say that jump was worth it.
13. The bruises are so bad that I look like I've been beaten like a runaway slave...with a baseball bat.
14. Dolphins swam right up to our boat..it was amazing.
15. I've seen more boobs and vajay jays this trip than I needed to.
16. I was asked to be in a three-some. With a married couple. I went to their wedding 4 years ago.
17. I'm not sure that they have done it before, so I guess I should be flattered to be the first?
18. I was also asked out by another person.
19. I got way too used to breakfast in bed. Ned brought us breakfast every morning with the tray on his head. Yes, that's right...I now expect that level of service everywhere I go.
20. We asked a really tall Jamaican how big his stuff was. His response, "Have you seen these hands?" Awesome answer.
21. If I never again drink another Red Stripe or Corona again I will be a happy girl.
22. Boytoy was afraid he offended me because I left and went home the second night. And I thought, "shit I'm not married to you, I don't have to have sex everyday."
23. AHAHAHHAA...I am SUCH a boy. When we left on the last day I was just going to high five him and go "good game" but instead he decided to hug me.
24. The second day he was like "did I walk you to the door when you left?" I was like "please, I know my roll and I just left."
25. How in the WORLD was I the last one drinking every night?
26. I guess I've just really come into my own since college....or one could say "alcoholic".
27. Making out in the hot tub is HOT. (temperature and otherwise so)
28. My friends are RIDIC. But I wouldn't have them any other way.
29. We were told we were the craziest wedding party they have ever had....and they have weddings every weekend.
30. I was ready to go home after the 4th day.
31. My friends screamed the national anthem drunk in the pool at the top of their lungs because there was also a party of British people there. I did not participate.
32. The other people at the resort HATED us.
33. There were only 50 rooms total at that resort and we probably booked like 20 of them
34. I remember telling the 3-some wanna be husband that I unblacked out having sex with one of his frat brothers once...classy!
35. Its pretty amazing drinking hardcore all day starting at 10 am.
36. Is it sad that I want a drink right now?
37. I would have gained like 10 pounds on my vacay...but apparently pooping it all out shaves a few pounds or inches off your waistline.
38. I wanted to go to Body Pump the night after I came back but didn't because people might whisper about my bruises. Well, honestly I don't think my bruised tailbone would allow it.
39. OMG...funniest shit EVER happened at the second place. We saw this white girl dancing really slutty on a big black dude at the swim up bar (I guess its got to be pretty hard to do in the water) and then all of a sudden this big black girl comes over and pokes the black guy on the shoulder. White girl climbs off of him and then swims away by herself. I guess you just had to be there..but take my word for it, it was HILARIOUS.
40. Babies should never be brought to a resort...that's just dumb.
41. Wish we had taken a picture of us each jumping. We were all too drunk to take our own pictures...so I had to Google it.
42. My sisters had to sorority chant me in order to get me to jump.
43. That and I knew if I didn't jump the boat would leave me...great motivation.
44.Professional divers jumped from up in the trees and did synchronized jumps. It was bad ass.
45. Even though I was the smallest person to jump I apparently made the biggest splash.
46. I was even told the whole crowd was like "ooouuuuucccchhhh"
47. When I came up they said my face was priceless. They didn't know if I was going to smile or burst out crying.
48. Hello, I don't swim well...that was really retarded for me to jump.
49. The Jamaican bartender with a gold tooth on the Cat asked me what I was doing afterward.
50. I was whistled at/hollered at by no less than 3 Jamaicans. Apparently the way Jamaican's pick up girls is to go "Psssst Psssst Psssssst". True story.

Here are just a sampeling of the beautiful pictures from the week: