Monday, July 26, 2010

Bad Habits Get Me Every Time

For those of you who know me really well, you know I have a problem. A big problem. I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. There is no known cure and it is really debilitating. I get drunk and I text. Yes, you heard right...I am a drunk dialer, more specifically a drunk texter. Sometimes I refuse to even look at my phone for days because I am afraid what I might have texted...oops.

I read this list once and thought it was appropriate to repost here :) So here goes, an ode to drunk dialing. Enjoy!

The Rules of Drunk Dials & Text Messages...

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. If you call someone 6 times at 4:30 in the morning "I was so shitfaced I just wanted to hear your voice" is forgiveable. If your NOT drunk you MAY look like a stalker.

2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you".

4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking them to bend you over something.

5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6. Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober and hang your head in shame.

7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to them that if you were them, I would still love me too!

9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry. If it IS angry, make sure you verbally thrash the other person FULLY...Do NOT let them convince you you are wrong, or immature for drunk dialing them. Rip them to shreds for every wrongdoing they've ever committed.

12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

13. If you deleted a number from your phone book sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do NOT try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry people on the other end.

15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone.

17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.

18. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. when your shitfaced usually doesn't involve cards or watching a movie---it's going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So when you drunkenly slur that you want to play X-BOX, chances are the recipient of your call will interpret it as "Lets go into your room because I want you to play with MY BOX!!"

19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or a rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone with a hairdryer when you're far too drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20. NEVER, I repeat NEVER, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dials.

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